via The Domus Academy

“I have an important homework assignment for you tonight. Disappoint your child. On purpose. Say no just to say no.

Here’s why. Many parents give in to their child’s relentless whining, complaining and manipulation because it is expedient-it is "easier" in the moment. But that lack of personal integrity in the moment has long-term consequences. Parents who do this will then ask me to help make their kids stop whining. Not a chance if you have trained them that they can get whatever they want if they just badger you enough.

It takes emotional strength to say no to your child and see their disappointment. Many parents think they are just being mean.

Let me be blunt. If you cannot stand to disappoint your child, then your child controls you, your home and your life. And kids are simply not equipped to be in charge. That’s your job.

Here are 7 reasons to disappoint your child on purpose:

1. Your child needs you to be strong. You are supposed to be the one constant in your child’s life. They need to be able to rely on you, to trust your word, to know that when you say no, you mean it.

They need to know that their manipulations, crying and frowns cannot move you. If they can’t count on you, who can they count on? Remember, discipline is something you do FOR your child, not to them.

2. Build brakes into your child. Our kids are naturally impulsive, so we need to help them delay gratification. When we give them everything they want when they ask, it teaches them that life will treat them that way. Life doesn’t! You don’t always get what you want, especially when you want it. If you are training your child this way, they will be in for a rude awakening when they get older. And trust me, you can’t afford what they are going to want as they get older.

3. Save your strength. One reason we urge you to put an end to this whining and manipulation is that it will simply wear you down. Then you are left feeling emotionally bankrupt and unable to deal with the big issues. Take care of the smaller issues first.

4. Delaying gratification will show your children that their world will not end if they don’t have that candy bar or video game now. They need to know this deep inside. Waiting is good, waiting is right.

5. Stop impulsivity. Make a family rule that you never, ever buy anything that costs over $50 without waiting three days to think about it. It’s a great life lesson to live by.

6. Saying no and inciting a tantrum is a great opportunity. Yes, that’s what I said. When you say no and disappoint Junior, you’re going to get a beautiful tantrum. So embrace it. It is an opportunity to prove to yourself and your child that no matter what they try to do, they are not going to move you because you are the rock of stability they need.

7. The final reason may be the most important. If you listen to the fourth Parenting CD on getting your kids to be responsible for themselves, you will learn a powerful truth: that we as parents are NOT responsible for our kids’ happiness. It’s true. YOU are NOT responsible for making your kids happy. It’s impossible and it robs your kids of the contentment brought by learning how to be happy and satisfied in life.

I don’t have time to address this fully in the newsletter, but it is critically important for you to learn this. So begin today and learn to smile when you say, "No." Know deep inside you are helping your child, and yourself, to grow up into a stronger person.”

Mexico City was a place where, if people began to muster on the pavements, a patrol car was liable to roll up and bark at them through a loud-hailer the words: "Disperse! It is dangerous to gather in groups. Disperse!"

~The Independent

I can imagine other situations where such an order would be necessary. School for one….

Deborah Lipsky

A meltdown is when behavior is beyond the individual’s control. Things have been spiraling out of control. They are overwhelmed at the situation and they have no control. Generally with a meltdown the person is not looking for a direct response from you. Afterwards there’s often a sense of remorse and regret.

A tantrum is a manipulative behavior, a scheme for a person to get their own way. Once the person gets their own way, there’s often a sense of satisfaction. It’s really hard to distinguish between a meltdown and a tantrum because sometimes a tantrum can lead into a meltdown.

…As a general guideline, if there is a true meltdown there should be no reward or consequence at all. If it is a behavioral tantrum then there should be an extreme consequence.

1. Praise effort more than achievement
2. Teach delayed gratification
3. Limit reprimands
4. Use praise to stimulate curiosity

Not as easy as it looks….

~From How to Raise Our IQ by Nicholas Kristof in the NY Times

Now I know where we humans get it from. The threat of public humiliation can be too much to handle and kids know just how to push our buttons.

When moms and babies weren’t close to other monkeys, rebuffed babies that started shrieking were allowed to nurse 39 percent of the time, the researchers found. With just relatives nearby, the babies’ luck rose to 53 percent. But with unrelated onlookers that outranked mom in the dominance hierarchy, babies won the tantrum 81 percent of the time.

~ScienceNews

And although the following refers to monkey onlookers I’m sure you’ve seen humans behaving in similar ways when they see children flipping out in public.

The onlookers seemed bothered and on occasion made threatening gestures, or even chased, grabbed or bit the mother or the infant.

Advice to rhesus monkey (and human) mothers: Never give in. Kids quickly learn to manipulate you with tantrums. Stay calm and hightail it home immediately if possible. (See some great advice over at Empowering Parents.)

Also visit me at: Eye on DNA - How’s it going to change your life?

Sleep-deprived people lack reason. They are dark shadows of gloom. They become tetchy and irritable. Everyone seems an idiot, and the world is hostile. One friend says he gets into a sort of murderous rage, and he doesn’t realize that his fury is directly caused by his lack of sleep until he finally gets some rest.

We should be overjoyed when our partner naps: She is not slacking off, she is being merely sensible. We need sleep!

Damn right.

For example, dogs don’t  have language. So if you were to step on a dog’s tail,  he’d have only three options: bark at you, bite you, or  run away. But if you step on the metaphoric tail of a  linguistically compromised human being, he’d have  only the same three options: bark at you, bite you, or  run away. From this perspective, swearing can be  thought of as nothing more or less than the human  “bark.” It’s what we humans do when we can’t think of  a more articulate way to express ourselves.

Shame is usually viewed as a maladaptive emotion. Shame refers to a negative focus on aspects of the “self” in response to a wrongdoing (”I’m a horrible person for doing that”). In contrast, guilt can be adaptive or maladaptive. Guilt refers to a focus on the wrongdoing which, in adaptive guilt, leads to reparation (e.g., “I feel bad for what I did and I should apologize”).

~Child Psychology Research Blog

For more on the Asian parent mindset, see this article by Wen-Mei Chou and Harris Ty Leonard - Fix My Children: Working With Strong-Minded Asian Parents (pdf).

For more on shaming, see “Good” Children - at What Price?

Found this at The DreamBox Blog. Stephen’s been playing DreamBox math games. Highly recommended!

Also visit me at: Eye on DNA - How’s it going to change your life?