Cotton-Pickin’ Days

My alma mater, Stanford, is considering expanding the freshman class. For the past 35 years, the number of undergraduate students enrolled has been between 6,000 and 7,000.

University President John Hennessy:

In the end, though, I believe expanding the size of the undergraduate population would be both a practical and a principled response to current realities. It would create more opportunities for gifted students to attend Stanford and it would avail Stanford of some of the best and brightest minds in the country.

There is no doubt that each year, many qualified students are denied admission to Stanford. These students would, of course, enhance any university. The question is, can these same students find a quality university experience at another school besides Stanford? Of course! So do we really need to expand the student body to give more people a chance to attend Stanford? I’m not convinced. Bringing more students in could lead to overcrowding, insufficient resources, and brand dilution.

As much as I loved my time at Stanford, I’m not under the illusion that it’s the only university worth attending. The US has many wonderful colleges and universities, big and small. Gifted students can find a rewarding experience no matter where they go because the real gift is within themselves. No matter where you go to school, it’s up to you to take the initiative to create opportunities for yourself and to discover the path you’re meant to go down.

You don’t have to go to Stanford to achieve great things. What distinguishes successful people from the rest is some parts good luck and many parts drive, ingenuity, and hard work. Going to Stanford was a small achievement. Living a productive life is an even greater one.

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I’ve mentioned before that Stephen really seems to enjoy his school lunches. Earlier this week, I had a chance to attend a school lunch tasting. Now I can see how truly lucky he is to have such a wide selection of meals each day served by friendly staff. His school has its own kitchen with food prepared fresh on the premises and they also have a salad bar with fresh fruits and vegetables.

I especially appreciated the handout the food service team prepared.

Menus are nutritionally balanced using the latest computer-based technology and must conform to our own tested recipes and quality assurance programme. All of our suppliers are carefully identified and then audited to ensure that they are providing us with products that meet our quality and nutritional standards. We will not knowingly use any ingredient that has been genetically modified.

Our aim is to ensure that school meals are not only great value but that they also provide your child with a safe diet that will assist with their learning development

The school lunch tasting included:

• Chick pea curry (my favorite!)
• Chicken enchiladas
• Quiche
• Fish with white sauce (which didn’t look great but was very tasty)
• Apple crumble with warm custard
• Carrot cake

I know for a fact that Stephen is more willing to taste a variety of different foods because of the many flavors he encounters at lunch.

The lunches put my own simple meals to shame. And with smiling staff like this, lunches must be a highlight of the children’s day.

Thank you to everyone involved in encouraging Stephen’s culinary adventure!

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This is for Noodlepie who’s asking to see everyone’s school lunch menu. Click to see a larger image.

Stephen quite likes his school lunches and tries new things every day. Yesterday’s new-to-him item was peach ice cream which he seemed to like yet wasn’t completely sold on.

Stephen: I had peach ice crem for dessert today.
Me: Oh! That’s interesting. Was it good?
Stephen nods: Yes! It was delicious.
Me: Should we get some next time?
Stephen: Naaah.

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How many “well-rounded” people do you know? Someone who has a diverse range of interests and is sort-of, kind-of good at everything? Someone who is as eager to go chase a ball as stay home and read Proust?

I don’t know anyone like that.

Over at Wrong Side of Thirty, Lilian’s trying to get her two little bookworms to put the books down and go out to do something more active - swimming, skipping rope, ice skating, something besides lying on the couch and reading all day. While I applaud her efforts, I also think that it won’t change the boys’ preferences much in the end. I know from personal experience because my parents used to drag my sister and me away from our books to go shoot hoops. And just to show how well that took, I haven’t held a basketball in my hands even once in the past 15 years. And it’s not just imitating a mom who professes that she likes to stay home herself although that’s clear in our home too where Marv and I have a long history of being homebodies. A lot of it has to do with our inborn temperaments which are awfully hard to overcome. And, yes, I do believe it’s partly genetics (but you knew I’d say that!).

I think being well-rounded is a myth. A myth that puts unnecessary pressure on everyone to involve themselves in all the following pursuits:

• Intellectual
• Athletic
• Artistic
• Social/Humanitarian

And while we have may have tried an activity from each of these categories, there’s no doubt that most of us are only good at one or two on the list.

Clearly, I’ve focused on the intellect for most of my life. I was on the track team freshman year of high school but didn’t last longer than a couple of weeks although it was the easiest sport. No one ever got kicked off the track and field team as long as they showed up for every practice and participated in an event at every meet win or lose. And, of course, I always lost. You could even letter in track if you had a good record of participation.

Up through college, I had a strong artistic side. At any given point in time, I played at least two instruments and can play piano, flute, violin, and string bass. I played piano and violin competitively and considered going to a music conservatory for a millisecond before returning to my true love - science. Social and humanitarian efforts are a little easier to come by because they can be part of any intellectual interest. For example, fitting genetics with genetic testing and patient empowerment isn’t such a stretch.

I’ve always known I’d never be the perfectly well-rounded person no matter how hard I tried and I never did try all that hard.

As a parent, one of my biggest aims is to teach my child to appreciate all the good things in life, which includes sports, arts, cerebral pursuits, and good deeds. Perhaps the key is not to think that you should excel at all these yourself, but that these activities have valuable qualities not to be dismissed. I may pretend that sports have little redeeming value but I know that they not only teach self- and body-awareness but also team spirit and a passion for pure fun. Not to mention that all the score keeping is math in disguise. haaa

When it comes to American colleges, the mantra is that they look for students who are not just tops at academics but who are also involved in extracurricular activities (note the plural); that colleges want “well-rounded” students, not kids who are indoors all day with their faces glued to the computer screen never mind if they’re entrepreneurs starting their first online business. Not true.

Parents who believe the myth of the well-rounded student and prep their children for a slew of cram school courses and extracurricular activities are probably headed down the wrong track. Admissions officers can smell passion. If an applicant doesn’t have it for the activities s/he fills in on the form, the application will reek.

Here’s an excerpt from an excellent article on the myth of the well-rounded student by Joe Jewell at PrepMe Advice:

Especially early on in a high school student’s educational career, it’s great to explore a wide range of interests. As you mature, it’s only natural that some activities will become better-loved than others, and you will naturally settle into those pursuits. Be aware of this process and seek to grow in responsibility and achievement in the things that you are passionate about.

…a student with passionate interests, even if they are somewhat off the beaten path-in fact, especially if they are somewhat off the beaten path-is truly the hot commodity in college admissions.

So while we should all strive to try different things and push ourselves out of our comfort zone, it’s still important to allow ourselves the freedom to pursue what we truly enjoy and are naturally drawn to no matter what it may be (within reason, of course!). Life is about both exciting new experiences and the comforts of what we love.

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Stephen completed his first year of full-time school in mid-July. It was a pretty good year overall, full of learning and developmental achievements like reading, writing, and zipping up his own jacket. Back when he started the school year, I didn’t even know if he’d make it through lunch at school in the cafeteria confronted with strange food choices. Now he tells me he tries new things every day! Cucumbers! Lettuce! Carrots! Baked beans! School has been good for him.

There have been, of course, a few bumps along the road. Being one of the youngest in class and a singleton as well, it’s been a challenge for him to learn some of the social graces like waiting his turn. But I’d take this anyday over academic challenges. (So I’m showing my true colors….)

In any case, I just read this piece by Elizabeth Weil about the practice of “redshirting” children so they start school a year later than the actual cut-off. One study showed that more redshirted children take the SAT and attend four-year college and university. Is that a reflection of the child’s abilities or the type of parent who would intentionally hold a child back to give him/her an advantage?

For just a brief moment, I considered holding Stephen back but my competitive nature pushed him forward. Besides, I was always among the younger children in class and didn’t suffer for it. In fact, I’d always wished I could have skipped a grade and shown how brilliant I really was. Like my friend SinP.

Fred Morrison, developmental psychologist:

You couldn’t find a kid who skips a grade these days. We used to revere individual accomplishment. Now we revere self-esteem, and the reverence has snowballed in unconscious ways – into parents always wanting their children to feel good, wanting everything to be pleasant.

Heck if Stephen’s going to be lulled into complacency. He’s learning that he doesn’t always win the drawing competition (even though I think he should! ha) or even get to be first in line.

When the end-of-school assessments rolled around, I began to hear stories of other children’s challenges. One child Stephen’s age in another school was apparently sent to an “occupational therapist” because he had a difficult time paying attention in class and concentrating. The OT assessed him on a number of skills like tying his shoelaces of all things. Who has shoelaces anymore? Even Marv uses a shoehorn to put his laced shoes on instead of tying and untying them every day. And look at these cool lock laces.

That made me curious about what skills schools think make a child ready for school. In the article, children have to complete these tasks in a 20-minute test:

• Skip
• Jump
• Walk backward
• Cut out a diamond on a dotted line
• Copy the word cat
• Draw a person
• Listen to a story
• Answer simple vocabulary questions like what melts, what explodes and what flies

Here are some other skills from a FamilyEducation.com kindergarten readiness checklist:

• Recognize rhyming sounds
• Show understanding of general times of day
• Manage bathroom needs
• Button shirts, pants, coats, and zip up zippers
• Begin to control oneself

I don’t believe a child’s ability can be assessed in 20 minutes especially with a teacher who s/he has never met before. Another issue is situational behavior. Stephen may act out at school because there are 25 other children acting out. On the other hand, he learns some life skills from the other children as well. At home, he’d rather have me help him put on his shoes and socks and at school, he knows he’s got to do it on his own and he does it.

Figuring out whether a child is ready for school or not is hit or miss. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like had Stephen been the oldest rather than youngest, but I believe that more important than his age is the support he gets at school and at home. And fortunately, he gets plenty from both places.

HT: Rice Daddies

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Stephen received his end-of-school-year report yesterday and after each section, there were suggestions for games and activities parents could do with their children at home. Here are some that made me laugh and others that made me reflect on what I’ve done with Stephen.

1. Join your local toy library.

Are you kidding? We are the local toy library! (See picture of Stephen exhausted after a playful day. Actually, he was just pretending. haha)

2. Play games where people take turns inc. handing round biscuits, etc.

Here I can proudly say that although Stephen isn’t a perfectly behaved child in school, he willingly shares his after school treats with his friends. I don’t think there’s a kid in that class who hasn’t received a small candy, chocolate, or potato chip from him.

3. Show your child how much you enjoy reading & writing.

Just the other day, we were talking about what each of us collects. Stephen said that he collects toys (see #1), I collect books (beams proudly), and Marv collects video games (raised eyebrow). As for the time I spend on the computer, he says, “You’re working; sending messages, talking to Popo (my mom), and writing.”

4. Talk to your child about favourite TV programmes or things you have done together.

While some parents may not want to encourage TV watching in their children, I’ve actually gone out of my way to order special Transformers books for children to encourage Stephen’s reading. I am definitely not one of those who believe TV is evil. And while I don’t necessarily agree with everything unschooler Dayna Martin and her family have chosen for their educational path, I did appreciate her article on anti-TV elitism despite the fact that I am a “book worshipper” and a magazine worshipper and an Internet worshipper,….

5. Draw your child’s attention to, and involve him/her in daily reading & writing routines.

Thankfully, Stephen has a natural interest in these things but we also do about 15 workbook pages a week. Currently, he’s working on one workbook for handwriting and another for addition.

A June example of a sentence Stephen constructed:

TuoMIS has a FeD
TuoMIS brIs MaX hoMo to VIZT

Translation: Thomas has a friend. Thomas brings Max home to visit.

6. Laying the table.

Oops. We don’t eat properly at the dining room table and because of Marv’s irregular working hours, we hardly ever eat together either.

7. Talk to “grannie.”

Eh?

8. Play with different media.

If only different media didn’t also mean big mess! Sometimes paint, play dough, sand, and other crafts are better done at school.

9. Turn pages.

I guess some kids rip pages instead of turn them? At ages 4-5, I would have expected something a little more advanced than this.

10. Make percussion instruments from tins, containers, etc.

Good lord. Does he not make enough noise just going through his LEGO pieces?! Who knew a bajillion little pieces of plastic could make such a racket!

What kinds of gems were in your child’s report card?

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I haven’t been breathing much this week. Monday and Tuesday were definitely not great days for Stephen at school, Wednesday was a little better, and finally, yesterday I exhaled. I hope we finish out the school week with a smile. I’ve got about five more hours till I know for sure.

Over the past several days, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my own behavior as a child, adult, and mother. In a very timely post, father of five Silly Dad Steve said earlier this week:

Do As I Say, Not As I Do, As I Am A Hypocrite

You can’t tell your kids to do something, or to NOT do something if you can’t even live up to those standards.

As I have admitted many times, I have a hot temper and aggressive tendencies and I’m not the only one Stephen might have inherited that from. *cough*Marv*cough* Most people express surprise when I tell them this but that’s only because after 30+ years, I’ve learned to control myself in public. At home, I sometimes stomp around when I’ve got a stack of dishes to wash, clothes to put away, and floors of vacuuming to do. It’s human nature to be a grump some of the time. And It’s definitely MY nature to be so.

The teachers have been showing Stephen and the other children coping strategies for dealing with anger. For example, they’ve been told to count to 10 and if things aren’t better, go tell an adult. They also sing “If you’re angry and you know it, count to 10″ to the tune of If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands. And here’s an exchange Stephen and I had when I was getting frustrated trying to transform one of his dang robots into a jet plane.

Me: ARGH! I hate this stupid thing. It’s such a pain.

Stephen (stroking me on the arm): It’s ok, Mama. Calm down. Calm down.

Evidently, Stephen knows exactly what he should be saying or doing when he gets angry but isn’t always able to put it into practice in the heat of the moment.

Me: So when you get angry or frustrated, what should you do?

Stephen: You should calm down and close your mouth!

On the whole, we don’t have too many conflicts at home because he’s actually very understanding when I’m busy and is able to wait patiently when he wants something. But since there have been times when I have not responded well to him, I decided it was time to hit the parenting books again starting with How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. And wouldn’t you know but after only one chapter, some of the techniques have already paid off.

One morning, I put a pair of longish shorts on Stephen for school. For some reason, he didn’t want to wear it and insisted on having long pants instead. But, I didn’t have any clean pants, only these shorts. Ordinarily, I would have tried to reason with him over it and insisted that he understand my point of view. Instead, I chose another tactic.

Stephen: I don’t want to wear shorts! I want to wear pants!

Me (resisting the urge to explain again about the lack of clean long pants): You don’t like the shorts. Pants are more comfortable.

Stephen: Yeah. But shorts are fine.

HUH?!?! It’s that easy?

This morning when the teacher shook the tambourine, Stephen didn’t want to line-up and loitered in the playground even when she asked him to come in for some special activities.

Stephen (starting to get pissy): I don’t want to line up!

Me: You’re not ready to line-up because you still want to play.

Stephen: I don’t want to go in!

Me: Yeah, it’s more fun outside.

Stephen (heading for the line, waving and blowing kisses): Bye-bye, Mama!

How sad to think that maybe he’s been lashing out because he feels like nobody understands how he’s feeling. Last week when he came out of the classroom completely hysterical, I repeatedly asked him, “What happened? What happened? Why are you acting like this?” According to Faber and Mazlish, we shouldn’t be pressuring children to analyze the situation on top of trying to deal with their feelings. How true. I think adults have the tendency to push our own agenda, expectations, and wishes on kids without understanding that they’re people with their own thoughts and desires.

It’s been an educational week for both Stephen and me. Definitely room for improvement on both sides as I’m sure there always will be, but we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other.

Now let’s get the party started! Five hours until the LEGO party kicks off.

From Stephen's Cre…

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School isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not that that’s news to any of us. It doesn’t matter if the principal is responsive, the teachers are nice, the playground well-equipped, and test scores impress. What it all comes down to is the mix of children and parents at the school in that particular moment your child is there.

Monday might be lovely because a certain someone didn’t come to school. Tuesday might be even better because a favorite teaching assistant is there. Wednesday is still ok because some children are sick so the class is smaller. Thursday could be awful because of a substitute teacher and rain clouds in the sky. Friday might end on an up note just because it’s the last day of the week!

Up till now, I’ve tried to get along with everyone. I don’t care how other children behave because they’re not mine to mind. The one child I have control over is Stephen and he’s the one I focus on. Even if another child has done something to hurt him, I’ve taught him to express his feelings but walk away and get over it. We’re made of teflon, I tell him. And besides, other people aren’t responsible for our feelings, we are. This way of dealing with “issues” might have worked for a while before Stephen had the confidence to assert himself but now that he is developing confidence in spades, he may be retaliating for some of the hurtful words that have been said to him in the past. (A currently playground favorite is “naughty.”)

And because we are not tattle tales, it makes playground battles difficult to judge. While many children will run to the teacher and report every little thing, Stephen has never learned to do that. We (that is, Stephen and I) take care of it ourselves and move on. Just because we keep quiet, doesn’t mean we’ve never been wronged!

Stephen has been accused by other children but we’ve never accused others. Children at their age are naturally physical. What’s the big deal? Our attitude might have to change. It’s time for other parents to know that their children are not angels being bullied by mine. And how pathetic amusing that Stephen is one of the smallest and youngest children in the class but apparently wields such powers of intimidation that other children are afraid of him. I don’t believe that one bit.

Autobot Transform!

One particular child who repeatedly complains about Stephen deliberately pushes ahead of Stephen in line almost every morning. And another whose mother believes he is a perfect specimen of male childhood (yes, I emphasize the male part) does the same exact thing. Stephen has been taught to stay away from them. Why can’t they stay away from Stephen? And yet both mothers think that other children are “rough.” I cry foul! I say it’s self-defense and I dare them to argue with me about it.

Love is blind. Or is it denial? Insanity? Stupidity?

I love my son but know that he’s not perfect. We work hard to control ourselves - our emotions, our behavior, our bodies, and our minds. And those other kids? They’re working hard on their sense of entitlement, distortion of the truth, and overinflated egos. Good luck to them. They’ll need it.

NB: You might also be interested in reading my tips for how to deal with your child’s playground fights.

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Remember when I mentioned last year that Stephen’s school district is exceptionally strict about absences? We missed four days at the start of this term because we returned from California late and had bad jetlag as well. Today I received a letter from the Head of Service Education Welfare & School Attendance (sic).

An excerpt:

The School and Local Education Authority are very concerned that you have taken Stephen out of school during term time.

…..
It is out of concern for Stephen that I write to you in this way. We think it is important that all parents should be aware of the implications of holidays during term time, the lack of continuity of education and reduced progress for their child, the disruption for other pupils in the class who may suffer as a result, the additional work and planning for teachers and the demand on school places in [our school district].

Please don’t throw me in jail! I figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal because he’s only four years old….

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The Institute of Medicine has issued new guidelines for the kinds of food American kids will be offered at school.

• Lots of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and low-fat dairy foods.
• None can be more than 200 calories per serving.
• Foods have to be low in fat, saturated fat, sodium, sugar, and have no added caffeine.

In the UK, the School Food Trust emphasizes the same. Here are a few notes from a newsletter Stephen brought hom from his primary school where he eats lunch every day.

• Sausages and chicken nuggets are completely organic and free from artificial additives.
• Fish fingers are made from whole cod fillet.
• Fresh fruit, yoghurt and cheese and biscuits are available daily as an alternative to dessert. (Stephen often eats these instead of “dessert.”)

Most interestingly, they’ve removed sandwiches from the menu! When Stephen first started school, he would tell me he ate a chicken sandwich for lunch every single gosh darned day. Then suddenly, he began telling me that he ate macaroni, fish cake, cold pasta, baked potato, and all sorts of other stuff he normally would never try. Whoopee! The main reason I like having him eat lunch at school is to get him to try different things and FINALLY he was doing it! Could the cooks have read my mind?

continue reading

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