Sunday Salon for 25 November 2007
Posted by Cottontimer on 25 Nov 2007 | Tagged as: Reading
Sunday Salon for me is less about the act of reading than the reflection that comes after finishing a book. So while I spent most of today with Reading Lolita in Tehran, my thoughts were still with Digging to America – the story of how two families with adopted girls from Korea became almost-just almost-one.
My family immigrated to the US in 1979 when I was just shy of my seventh birthday. As expected, I didn’t have much difficulty learning English or assimilating although, like Kristina, I always knew we were different. That doesn’t mean we were any more different than other families, though. I also always knew that other people were different in their own way no matter how blond, blue-eyed, and “American” they might appear on the surface.
From Digging to America:
“No, you see,” she said, “you can get in a, what would you say it, a mind-set about these things. You can start to believe that your life is defined by your foreignness. You think everything would be different if only you belonged. ‘If only I were back home,’ you say, and you forget that you wouldn’t belong there either, after all these years. It wouldn’t be home at all anymore.”
Over the years as I’ve hopped from country to country, I’ve come to realize that it’s not the differences between me and everybody else that really matter. The real differences are actually between the real me and that other “I’m going to fit in” me. Although I identify as a California girl who’s as American as can be, how can I possibly know anymore what an American believes or how an American behaves when I haven’t lived there since 1998? In any case, the “I’m going to fit in” girl usually prevails because one part of my American attitude hasn’t changed – I believe in the great melting pot.
Assimilation is a good thing when it contributes to social harmony. I consciously observe local customs and behavior even when it means I’m not quite the “real” me. I don’t find it necessary to assert my independence and cultural identity at every turn. Assimilating doesn’t mean you’re abandoning one group for another. Identity and belonging are fluid and can flow smoothly through time and circumstance.
~~~~~
One more passage from Digging to America that made me feel melancholy:
He had embarked on parenthood reluctantly, sending regretful backward glances at his carefree young-married days, and although the first baby had proved a delight he hadn’t hankered for more. If not for Connie’s lobbying, Bitsy would have been an only child. Then of course the two boys were delights as well, and he wouldn’t have traded them for anything, but still he could remember quite clearly sitting in the melee of tantrums and wet diapers and little sharp-edged building blocks and thinking. Too many children and not enough Connie. He had felt almost childlike himself as he angled for Connie’s attention, snatched the smallest stray bits of her, competed for her ear and for her thoughtful, focused gaze.
~~~~~
You don’t have to be an immigrant to appreciate Digging to America but if you are, you’ll be amazed at how Anne Tyler captured the many thoughts, feelings, and experiences of immigrant families and their children. And in America, that’s pretty much everyone.
Related Posts:
Sunday Salon PostSecret...
Sunday Salon for 4 November 2007...
Sunday Salon for 11 November 2007...
The Sunday Salon for 28 October 2007...
Sunday Salon: Books Weighing Me Down...
Been There...
Sunday Salon: On To Purgatory...
If your comment doesn't show up immediately, it's probably in moderation. I will approve it as soon as I can! Thanks for your patience.
13 Comments
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
This experience that the US has of being a land of immigrant stories is something that I always took for granted before moving to Europe. It’s so odd living here to realize that people just don’t have that. Thanks for the remarks, it looks like an interesting book to find.
I think it depends on where you live in Europe frumiousb. I grew up in the UK surrounded by people who were children of emigres – an enriching experience for all concerned.
Thanks for the excerpts, Cottonpicker – Ann Tyler gives some unusual viewpoints but they’re very interesting.
Hi Clare,
I suppose that it does depend. But I guess I mean more the dominant myth of the culture. Amsterdam has a history of immigration, but the majority culture sets itself apart very clearly from the immigrant culture. It’s even deeply embedded in the language. is the uk different
I’ve been in the UK for almost a year and haven’t felt too much pressure to assimilate. I actually think it goes the opposite way where everyone is so darn culturally sensitive than common courtesies are brushed aside. For example, I’ve seen playground arguments arise b/c one person doesn’t respect another’s personal space. Sure, it’s a cultural difference but I would tend toward being more conservative in my behavior. Frankly, I’m tired of being culturally sensitive to people who don’t give a darn about my culture. That’s why it’s easier for me to adopt local culture than to kowtow to every other culture that happens to exist in our community. There is respect and there’s total chaos when we have to be sensitive to every little tiny thing!
Oops. Kind of started on a rant there….
I loved this book when I read it about a year ago. Tyler has the ability to explore such remarkable deep and important issues in a way that means you never once feel you’re being preached at. It’s coming up on my f2f group list shortly and I’m really looking forward to going back to it. I also was very moved by ‘Reading Lolita’ so I’ll be looking forward to reading your thoughts on that as well.
Ann, I was amazed at Tyler’s insights (although I’m sure some will argue that she exaggerated this or inaccurately depicted that). Will have to do some digging around to see how she did the research for this book.
I just read in The New York Times that Tyler’s husband was an Iranian-born psychiatrist. That explains her insights into Iranian culture.
I read Digging to America a couple of months ago (there’s a review up on my blog – too lazy to put in the link). I loved reading your thoughts on the book. They make me go back to the book.
I know Dewey is reading the same book now and I’m looking forward to her views as well.
I want to write a more thoughtful comment, but I am a bit in a hurry and it’s been a long day. Might come back later to add something more meaningful. I am also not living in my native country, and thus also dealing with questions of assimilation.
Hi Myrthe, Thanks for the comment. I found your post about Digging to America! And lol @ Bitsy = Bitchy
Thank you for putting up the link to the post.
I live in Armenia, a country neighboring Iran, and apart form the Islamic aspects (Armenian is Christian), Armenian culture reminds me a lot of the Middle East, the importance of families and to a certain extent clans, patriarchal society where women are either saints or whores and outward appearance and the opinion of “the other” (neighbors, family, the in-laws, society in general) rule. I am generalizing somewhat, but not even that much.
I grew up in Holland, am independent and rather liberal in my views. But like you, I also don’t need to show all that 24/7 in Armenia. Mostly I have found a way of dealing with the local culture and accepting it without compromising who I am and my personal values.
One thing I am very glad about and that makes things a lot easier for me, is that I don’t have the pressure of family or in-laws in Armenia. Because I am on my own and because I am a foreigner anyway, I have a lot more freedom than Armenian women would have, so I don’t really feel that inhibited by local customs, traditions and expectations.
I think my own experience made me appreciate Digging to America even more than I would otherwise have.
Myrthe, Are you in Armenia temporarily or permanently? It just occurred to me that maybe I find it easier to go with the flow in whatever country I happen to be living in at the time (over the past 10 years, I’ve lived in Taiwan, Japan, Vietnam, and now the UK) because I know I won’t be there forever. It’s all temporary. But maybe if I were somewhere for the long haul, I’d feel more strongly about claiming my identity.
I am living in Armenia permanently. At least, I don’t have plans to move somewhere else and I can see myself living here at least for the next couple of years. For ever is something completely different, though.
I think one of the reasons for me to claim my identity is that I need privacy and I need to be alone and that goes somewhat against the character of Armenians who are incredibly social.
On the one hand privacy is not really a problem as I live on my own, but on the other hand I have friends who want to claim me more than I want to give to them. This is something Armenian, this social thing and I can only deal with that to a certain extent. That is probably the single most important boundary I have set in claiming my own identity.
That and my consciously not conforming to the role women are expected to play in society in Armenia (but in this respect I noticed that I am sort of a role model for young Armenian women who try to find their way in a patriarchal society – but this is a completely different story).