Cotton-Pickin’ Days

I haven’t been breathing much this week. Monday and Tuesday were definitely not great days for Stephen at school, Wednesday was a little better, and finally, yesterday I exhaled. I hope we finish out the school week with a smile. I’ve got about five more hours till I know for sure.

Over the past several days, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my own behavior as a child, adult, and mother. In a very timely post, father of five Silly Dad Steve said earlier this week:

Do As I Say, Not As I Do, As I Am A Hypocrite

You can’t tell your kids to do something, or to NOT do something if you can’t even live up to those standards.

As I have admitted many times, I have a hot temper and aggressive tendencies and I’m not the only one Stephen might have inherited that from. *cough*Marv*cough* Most people express surprise when I tell them this but that’s only because after 30+ years, I’ve learned to control myself in public. At home, I sometimes stomp around when I’ve got a stack of dishes to wash, clothes to put away, and floors of vacuuming to do. It’s human nature to be a grump some of the time. And It’s definitely MY nature to be so.

The teachers have been showing Stephen and the other children coping strategies for dealing with anger. For example, they’ve been told to count to 10 and if things aren’t better, go tell an adult. They also sing “If you’re angry and you know it, count to 10″ to the tune of If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands. And here’s an exchange Stephen and I had when I was getting frustrated trying to transform one of his dang robots into a jet plane.

Me: ARGH! I hate this stupid thing. It’s such a pain.

Stephen (stroking me on the arm): It’s ok, Mama. Calm down. Calm down.

Evidently, Stephen knows exactly what he should be saying or doing when he gets angry but isn’t always able to put it into practice in the heat of the moment.

Me: So when you get angry or frustrated, what should you do?

Stephen: You should calm down and close your mouth!

On the whole, we don’t have too many conflicts at home because he’s actually very understanding when I’m busy and is able to wait patiently when he wants something. But since there have been times when I have not responded well to him, I decided it was time to hit the parenting books again starting with How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. And wouldn’t you know but after only one chapter, some of the techniques have already paid off.

One morning, I put a pair of longish shorts on Stephen for school. For some reason, he didn’t want to wear it and insisted on having long pants instead. But, I didn’t have any clean pants, only these shorts. Ordinarily, I would have tried to reason with him over it and insisted that he understand my point of view. Instead, I chose another tactic.

Stephen: I don’t want to wear shorts! I want to wear pants!

Me (resisting the urge to explain again about the lack of clean long pants): You don’t like the shorts. Pants are more comfortable.

Stephen: Yeah. But shorts are fine.

HUH?!?! It’s that easy?

This morning when the teacher shook the tambourine, Stephen didn’t want to line-up and loitered in the playground even when she asked him to come in for some special activities.

Stephen (starting to get pissy): I don’t want to line up!

Me: You’re not ready to line-up because you still want to play.

Stephen: I don’t want to go in!

Me: Yeah, it’s more fun outside.

Stephen (heading for the line, waving and blowing kisses): Bye-bye, Mama!

How sad to think that maybe he’s been lashing out because he feels like nobody understands how he’s feeling. Last week when he came out of the classroom completely hysterical, I repeatedly asked him, “What happened? What happened? Why are you acting like this?” According to Faber and Mazlish, we shouldn’t be pressuring children to analyze the situation on top of trying to deal with their feelings. How true. I think adults have the tendency to push our own agenda, expectations, and wishes on kids without understanding that they’re people with their own thoughts and desires.

It’s been an educational week for both Stephen and me. Definitely room for improvement on both sides as I’m sure there always will be, but we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other.

Now let’s get the party started! Five hours until the LEGO party kicks off.

From Stephen's Cre…