Over the past couple of months, I’ve been working with Stephen on controlling his grumpiness. He wakes up crying and complaining on school days and I know it’s not because of lack of sleep since he goes to bed later on the nights before weekends and holidays and wakes up chirpy as long as he doesn’t have to go to school. I also don’t think he’s having issues at school because the teachers say he’s quite nice for the most part while he’s there and he usually tells me if someone at school hassles him. While it’s of course ok to be unhappy on occasion, it’s not ok to take it out on other people such as hitting or complaining until every nerve of mine is shot.

Rewards for Kids!: Ready-To-Use Charts & Activities for Positive ParentingWe tried reward charts a couple of months back and it worked well for the short term. He’s always able to control himself until every item on the list of requested behaviors has been checked off. But the rewards are starting to seem like bribes because he’s constantly asking to “earn a surprise.”

…let’s understand the difference between a reward and a bribe. The territory here can get a bit fuzzy, but the essential difference is this: A reward follows the behavior you’re trying to reinforce, and a bribe precedes it. Bribery has its place occasionally, but in general we all feel better about being rewarded than about being bribed. Also, rewards should be given as soon as possible after the noble deed so as to make a firm association between the behavior and the treat.

~ParentCenter

Stephen created his own list of tasks to complete in order to earn a reward:

  1. Don’t cry at night when you’re sleeping
  2. Don’t be crazy when you wake up
  3. Eat your breakfast properly
  4. Take your bath prompty
  5. Don’t complain or cry in the supermarket
  6. Take off your coat and shoes by yourself properly
  7. Don’t complain about getting a surprise
  8. Play nicely
  9. Don’t watch TV all day
  10. Don’t eat too much junk
  11. Don’t break your toys
  12. Don’t cut yourself
  13. Don’t pinch your nose, it makes you hurt

How can you lose with a list like that?

I would like him to think all of the above is normal, expected behavior that should receive no greater reward than my smiling face. Clearly that’s not enough. A surprise every day is just over the top, though, so I’ll have to rethink this rewards thing. And as usual, I’ll do some research first starting by reading Rewards for Kids and should probably re-read all my many other parenting books as well. Either I come up with a more innovative discipline technique or he had better snap out of this demanding phase. I’m guessing I really have no choice and have only myself to count on (or to blame).