Cotton-Pickin’ Days

I don’t know what target audience dressbarn is aiming for but I am not impressed. Just the fact that they don’t capitalize their company name is annoying enough but check out these two ads.

What state are you from?

Ohio

Name a state you wouldn’t want to be from.

The state of confusion

I like your hair. Is it natural?

Mostly.

Who’s your best friend?

My mother.

Have you ever won anything?

No, but I have a winning smile.

What are you looking for in life?

Health and happiness. And my car keys.

What’s your favorite sport?

Is shopping a sport?

The last three Q&A’s make me think this woman is a total loser airhead!

What do you do?

Try to have fun.

For a living?

Oh. I teach kindergarten.

What lesson should we learn?

Laugh often.

Favorite bird?

Bird of paradise.

Isn’t that a plant?

Okay, you’re right.

Favorite mathematical formula?

50% off.

What do you dream about?

A day off.

Is this someone you’d want teaching your children? She can’t distinguish an animal from a plant and she wishes for a day off from, presumably, those little devil students?!

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Much to our surprise this morning, San Francisco International Airport was peaceful and efficient when Marv left to go back to London. We had expected long lines, upset and confused passengers, and suitcases being upended as people in a frenzy threw out Transportation Security Administration (TSA) prohibited items containing liquids and gels. We saw none of that. In fact, it almost seemed more calm than usual, but that could be because we usually travel at night instead of mornings.

This first week of vacation has passed quickly. We have been gorging ourselves on La Salsa, Target, Walmart, DSW, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Costco, dim sum, and malls. Yes, we are shameless consumers.

Do you Americans have any idea how convenient everything is here? There is Taco Bell in Target, McDonald’s in Walmart, and Starbucks everywhere. Listed together like this, it all seems rather evil but who can complain about unlimited selection and unbeatable prices?

Just imagine me this month in Northern California sipping on Fantasia pearl tea wearing my new Fossil watch with the pink face and suede strap, Friday work casual Charter Club T-shirt, and toffee Skechers Bikers Step-Up – all purchased in magnificent sales.

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On the back of the UK version of the incredible historical fiction March by Geraldine Brooks, there’s a P.S. section featuring a Q&A on her writing life. I’ve co-opted the questions and answered them myself.

When do you write?

All the time; sometimes just in my head.

Where do you write?

Usually at my dining room table but I’d like to find a way to move to the other side of house where we have a view of the River Thames.

Pen or computer?

Computer for sure. If I have to jot ideas down by pen, I’d as soon try to remember them in my head. If I’m within reach of my laptop and get an idea, I will get up from wherever I am and go type them in.

Silence or music?

Silence. I’ve tried listening to music, but my mind wanders and I can barely form coherent sentences.

How do you start a book?

From the very very first page even if it’s blank. I read all the review blurbs too regardless of how many pages there are.

And finish?

I plod to the end and never skip any pages even if the book is painfully tedious.

Do you have any writing rituals or superstitutions?

“Keep the pencil moving.” Sound advice from my high school math teacher, Duane Fee.

Which living writer do you most admire?

Tom Wolfe because he is tremendously prolific and unbelievably observant.

What or who inspires you?

My family.

If you weren’t a writer, which job would you do?

That’s easy. The one I was trained to do! Genetic epidemiology.

What’s your guilty reading pleasure? Favourite trashy read?

Guilty reading pleasure – action adventure like Tom Clancy.

Favorite trashy read – Hello! or People magazine. Actually, almost any blog would qualify too.

Care to answer these questions yourself?

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We arrived in California yesterday and they put the welcome mat out for me!

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Trying to find souvenirs from London to take back to California is like trying to find a toy Stephen doesn’t already have. Most anything we come across on a daily basis in the UK–books, toys, clothing, food–can be found easily in the U.S. for half the price. Truly special English goods are way beyond our budget.

I can’t possibly get people any of the following:

• Bespoke shirts from Saville Row
• Beauty products made from dew resting on the plants found in the garden of the Queen’s summer cottage (ok I made this up only because I’m keeping a surprise gift secret)
• Conway Stewart pens (although The Harlequin is mighty fine at $21,000)
• Swaine Adeney Brigg umbrellas
• Launer handbags
• Guardsmen Skittles (pictured above) are adorable but are they worth $60?

Apologies in advance to family and friends for not bring you any luxury British goods. How about I treat you to a Polish sausage or Very Berry Sundae from Costco instead when we get in town?

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