Sick of the Mommy Wars
Posted by Cottontimer on 05 Jul 2006 | Tagged as: Me, Motherhood
Is participation in “the mommy wars” a rite of passage for women who have the financial means to decide whether they ought to go back to full-time paid work or stay home with their children? If so, then I think I’ve matured as a mother and have no further need to be embroiled in battles.
I simply don’t care anymore what anyone thinks of my choice to stay at home and forgo a research career. And I don’t care if someone else has a high powered career replete with fancy suits and high flying business trips. I used to care…A LOT.
“Are you looking at me?” I’d think, eager to prove my self-worth and trot out my educational pedigree.
“Do you know who I am? What I do? What I used to do? How much my brain is worth?”
Now it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone except myself and I’ve already done that long ago.
In the school playground, we’re all parents joined together by kids born around the same time. And as it should be, it’s all about the kids. What works for our family would probably not work for theirs and vice versa. Every day, I cheer them on as I’d hope they’d cheer me on regardless of our family situation. There’s plenty of happiness and satisfaction to go around and I hope everyone has as much as they can get.
So I may or may not read Mommy Wars : Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families. Because I’m over it.
Make love not war.
NB: I loved Sandra Tsing Loh’s analysis of the mommy wars in The Atlantic, May 2006 - Rhymes with Rich. It’s subscription only so leave a comment here if you want me to send you a link that’s good for three days.
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I’m mostly comfortable in my stay-at-home niche. I started telling people years ago when they’d ask what I do that I “get to” stay at home to raise my kids. I found that when phrased that way, even if they thought my choice wasn’t the better one, they usually dug up something polite to say. And, maybe it is diabolical of me, but it amuses me to watch them scramble for something to say that won’t insult me. LOL
So, my friend, what exactly is your brain worth?
When I led a mommies’ group for a few years, this was one of the things that I tried to encourage. There are enough judgments coming from the world at mommies, there’s no need to incite embittered arguments amongst ourselves. We need all the encouragement and support from each other we can get!
Great post! You’re an inspiration to so many people. I noticed the “mommy wars” start as soon as the pregnancy test shows positive — will you have your baby at home or in the hospital, doctor or midwife, all natural or medicated labor, breast or bottle, cloth or disposable diapers, family bed or separate crib, and THEN … stay home or work. It never ends!
I’ve become like you … everyone is different, and whatever works best for each family is what really matters. And there are also different seasons to mothering — whatever choice you make now may not be what you’ll do forever. So those enmeshed in mommy wars may find themselves changing sides someday!
Oh yeah, I’m long over it too. But, as long as there are new mommies, there will be new foot soldiers in the wars and people to buy stupid books, etc.
Oh, it’s such nonsense isn’t it. But have you ever actually encountered hostility in real life? Perhaps I’m lucky, but I never have (well apart from a few childless people but they clearly just don’t understand). It all seems to be hyped up by the media, to be honest.
PS Can you send me the link please?
I don’t feel like it’s worth arguing about at all. I also agree with Lisa, the real-life arguments are very rare. I do get people asking me if I ever plan to go back to work, but that is a valid question. Oh, and no one seems to think I’m lying on the couch eating bon bons all day either.
I would love that link.
Hey - I’d love to see the link!
Deb: I always knew you had a bit of the diablo in you.
Kerri: The worth of my brain? Priceless.
Heather: Awww, thanks. I doubt I inspire anyone. And, I don’t want to change sides. I just want out!
river2sea72: Perhaps I’ll write one of those stupid books. AhAHAHahAha
Lisa: Hi there! I have’nt actually encountered direct hostility, but a lot of one-upmanship.
Abigail: Do you ever plan to get off the counch and go back to work? *ducks*
Jill: You got it!
NEVER!!
I really do not get Mommy Wars. We all make decisions based on what we think is best for us. No one else can decide for us, despite the fact that some moms think that they know better.
You are intelligent and you alone know what your own family needs. No one else.
Instead of fighting about who is doing it the best, moms should instead support each other.
Melissa: Easier said than done, eh?
I.absolutely.loved.that.blog. Thanks!
I have personally treaded that path a long time ago. To work OR not to work?? To stay home with my small kids, stop working, and continue it when they are at school?? Ohhh, the dilemna.
It’s such a roller coaster ride. Some days I’m happy with my decision to continue working. Other days, I ask “Have I done the right thing for my family?”.
I totally agree with what you are saying: as long as it works for you and the family — it’s all that matters. What’s right for others may not be good for me. It’s a matter of finding the right balance.
Suggested Reading: “I dont know how she does it” by Allison Pierson. She’s a working mom with 2 kids living in Europe. I can relate to her so much, there I times I thought the author is writing about me. It’s funny
Carina: I hope you’re happy most days!
I did read that Pearson novel but couldn’t identify with the main character at all! Just don’t love shoes enough, I guess.
Yep, I am definitely happy most of the time. I guess you can call me a happy junkie! I need to be having fun, enjoying myself everytime … if I can help it
I have realised though that we all do need some transgressions (such a big word) from time to time. It does make us stronger, better persons.
Really? I guess relating to a book all depends on the timing, too. I have read it 2 yrs ago and was touched. Read it again this year and was extremely surprised how I can relate to some, if not most of it. I guess coz Im also a working mom, with 2 kids in her mid thirties. Soo I absolutely loved it! Re the shoes … I’m getting there. Hehehe.
[...] I was reminded of how much I despise it while reading Hsien’s recent post about the Mommy Wars. It took me right back to the year 2000…..(picture the wavy sitcom special effects for reminiscence). [...]