Comments on: I Don’t Like You http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/ Love, Laughter, and Madness Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:32:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Cotton-Pickin’ Days » Blame It On the Moon http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-12526 Cotton-Pickin’ Days » Blame It On the Moon Fri, 05 Jan 2007 11:08:05 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-12526 [...] He can be incredibly adorable, funny, and sweet one minute then turn on you in a second. Then its all the behaviors I can’t stand - whining, crying, complaining, feet stomping, hitting, and the famous retort - “I DON’T LIKE YOU!” And I thought it was bad when other people’s kids misbehaved, now I’ve got one living with me. [...] [...] He can be incredibly adorable, funny, and sweet one minute then turn on you in a second. Then its all the behaviors I can’t stand - whining, crying, complaining, feet stomping, hitting, and the famous retort - “I DON’T LIKE YOU!” And I thought it was bad when other people’s kids misbehaved, now I’ve got one living with me. [...]

]]> By: Kerri http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2900 Kerri Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:58:50 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2900 Oh, almost enough to stitch together for a ball gown with a ten-foot train. And I'm just getting started. ;) Oh, almost enough to stitch together for a ball gown with a ten-foot train. And I’m just getting started. ;)

]]> By: Cottontimer http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2891 Cottontimer Thu, 15 Jun 2006 23:01:27 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2891 <b>river2sea72</b>: I can't really remember saying that but I know I said other hurtful things like - "Getting old?" Blah. <b>Kerri</b>: How many ribbons have you got already? hehee <b>Donna</b>: You're right. Sometimes I don't like HIM very much either!! :P It seemed to have gone better today using a combination of everyone's suggestions. Thank you!! <b>laurina</b>: I'm going to give you a smack for your daddy. ;) <b>snowy</b>: Awww. That's really not nice. I feel your pain too. BTW, I'm getting together with Rosie next week!! river2sea72: I can’t really remember saying that but I know I said other hurtful things like - “Getting old?” Blah.

Kerri: How many ribbons have you got already? hehee

Donna: You’re right. Sometimes I don’t like HIM very much either!! :P It seemed to have gone better today using a combination of everyone’s suggestions. Thank you!!

laurina: I’m going to give you a smack for your daddy. ;)

snowy: Awww. That’s really not nice. I feel your pain too. BTW, I’m getting together with Rosie next week!!

]]> By: snowy http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2883 snowy Thu, 15 Jun 2006 15:59:25 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2883 Raph says I hate you a lot, especially when he's tired and frustrated after school, and I realised it was affecting how I felt about him. It is really hard to keep telling yourself he doesn't mean it, somehow it hurts. Finally I explained that he was making me unhappy...and he does it less. I don't know if that is any help, but I really sympathise. Raph says I hate you a lot, especially when he’s tired and frustrated after school, and I realised it was affecting how I felt about him. It is really hard to keep telling yourself he doesn’t mean it, somehow it hurts. Finally I explained that he was making me unhappy…and he does it less. I don’t know if that is any help, but I really sympathise.

]]> By: laurina http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2878 laurina Thu, 15 Jun 2006 06:25:11 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2878 i say the same thing to my dad. hahaha. in response he says, 'the feeling is mutual.' haha i wouldn't advocate using that line on a little kid though... i say the same thing to my dad. hahaha.
in response he says, ‘the feeling is mutual.’
haha

i wouldn’t advocate using that line on a little kid though…

]]> By: Donna http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2877 Donna Thu, 15 Jun 2006 05:35:27 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2877 When it's specific to something--I said no ice cream, you need to wear your shoes, sorry you can't get that toy--I've found the best response for us seems to be to calmly (yes, I know that's the hard part!) say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but--" and just leave it at that. I am sorry you don't like this thing that I am doing, but I need to do it anyway. Because sometimes talking about it doesn't work, he might not want to talk about it--he just doesn't like you right now. Sometimes I don't like people very much, I just have the social skills to not let them know, because I know soon I will be over it. When it’s specific to something–I said no ice cream, you need to wear your shoes, sorry you can’t get that toy–I’ve found the best response for us seems to be to calmly (yes, I know that’s the hard part!) say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but–” and just leave it at that. I am sorry you don’t like this thing that I am doing, but I need to do it anyway. Because sometimes talking about it doesn’t work, he might not want to talk about it–he just doesn’t like you right now. Sometimes I don’t like people very much, I just have the social skills to not let them know, because I know soon I will be over it.

]]> By: Kerri http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2876 Kerri Thu, 15 Jun 2006 04:25:26 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2876 So sorry, Hsien! Looks like you're earning another ribbon on your Mother's Badge of Courage. Ain't it grand. :( So sorry, Hsien! Looks like you’re earning another ribbon on your Mother’s Badge of Courage. Ain’t it grand. :(

]]> By: river2sea72 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2875 river2sea72 Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:37:32 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2875 Hmmm.... think of it as a warm-up to the age-14: "I hate you!" I can't believe how many times I said that to my parents. Oy. Hmmm…. think of it as a warm-up to the age-14: “I hate you!” I can’t believe how many times I said that to my parents. Oy.

]]> By: Cottontimer http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2874 Cottontimer Wed, 14 Jun 2006 22:07:45 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2874 Thanks, Liz! I've tried the empathetic approach but it's very hard to pull off in the heat of the moment. Going braindead is definitely do-able, though. It's my usual state of mind. ;) I'm going to try that tomorrow! Thanks, Liz! I’ve tried the empathetic approach but it’s very hard to pull off in the heat of the moment. Going braindead is definitely do-able, though. It’s my usual state of mind. ;) I’m going to try that tomorrow!

]]> By: liz http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2873 liz Wed, 14 Jun 2006 20:50:54 +0000 http://www.cottontimer.com/2006/06/14/i-dont-like-you/#comment-2873 Isn't it amazing how kids can get our goat? I wonder what would happen if you responded with empathy? You could think up some responses ahead of time (as he's using it a lot). Some examples: "Oooh, I feel all crumpled up inside when I have to talk to a person I'm not liking. Do you feel all crumpled up?" "That sounds like an owie feeling. Is it an owie feeling for you?" "Oooh, sounds like I did something you didn't like. What was it?" [and then you keep inviting him to respond] John Gottman has a book, "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" that you might find interesting. The US edition is ISBN 0648838656.. Gottman outlines a way for parents to "build empathy into relationships" 1. Being aware of the child's emotion 2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; 3. Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings; 4. Helping the child verbally label emotions; 5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve. A related approach is the parenting class, "Love and Logic" More at www.loveandlogic.com. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Jim Fay: ISBN 1930429002 The Love & Logic approach would be to pick an empathic statement such as "oh, that's too bad" or "oh, how sad for you" and just keep repeating it when the kid uses the "hot button" phrase. They call this "going braindead". Isn’t it amazing how kids can get our goat?

I wonder what would happen if you responded with empathy? You could think up some responses ahead of time (as he’s using it a lot). Some examples:

“Oooh, I feel all crumpled up inside when I have to talk to a person I’m not liking. Do you feel all crumpled up?”

“That sounds like an owie feeling. Is it an owie feeling for you?”

“Oooh, sounds like I did something you didn’t like. What was it?”

[and then you keep inviting him to respond]

John Gottman has a book, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” that you might find interesting. The US edition is ISBN 0648838656.. Gottman outlines a way for parents to “build empathy into relationships”

1. Being aware of the child’s emotion
2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings;
4. Helping the child verbally label emotions;
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.

A related approach is the parenting class, “Love and Logic” More at http://www.loveandlogic.com.
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Jim Fay: ISBN 1930429002

The Love & Logic approach would be to pick an empathic statement such as “oh, that’s too bad” or “oh, how sad for you” and just keep repeating it when the kid uses the “hot button” phrase. They call this “going braindead”.

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