Cotton-Pickin’ Days

Isn’t it amazing how kids can get our goat?

I wonder what would happen if you responded with empathy? You could think up some responses ahead of time (as he’s using it a lot). Some examples:

“Oooh, I feel all crumpled up inside when I have to talk to a person I’m not liking. Do you feel all crumpled up?”

“That sounds like an owie feeling. Is it an owie feeling for you?”

“Oooh, sounds like I did something you didn’t like. What was it?”

[and then you keep inviting him to respond]

John Gottman has a book, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” that you might find interesting. The US edition is ISBN 0648838656.. Gottman outlines a way for parents to “build empathy into relationships”

1. Being aware of the child’s emotion
2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings;
4. Helping the child verbally label emotions;
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.

A related approach is the parenting class, “Love and Logic” More at http://www.loveandlogic.com.
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Jim Fay: ISBN 1930429002

The Love & Logic approach would be to pick an empathic statement such as “oh, that’s too bad” or “oh, how sad for you” and just keep repeating it when the kid uses the “hot button” phrase. They call this “going braindead”.

Thanks, Liz! I’ve tried the empathetic approach but it’s very hard to pull off in the heat of the moment. Going braindead is definitely do-able, though. It’s my usual state of mind. I’m going to try that tomorrow!

Hmmm…. think of it as a warm-up to the age-14: “I hate you!” I can’t believe how many times I said that to my parents. Oy.

So sorry, Hsien! Looks like you’re earning another ribbon on your Mother’s Badge of Courage. Ain’t it grand.

When it’s specific to something–I said no ice cream, you need to wear your shoes, sorry you can’t get that toy–I’ve found the best response for us seems to be to calmly (yes, I know that’s the hard part!) say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but–” and just leave it at that. I am sorry you don’t like this thing that I am doing, but I need to do it anyway. Because sometimes talking about it doesn’t work, he might not want to talk about it–he just doesn’t like you right now. Sometimes I don’t like people very much, I just have the social skills to not let them know, because I know soon I will be over it.

i say the same thing to my dad. hahaha.
in response he says, ‘the feeling is mutual.’
haha

i wouldn’t advocate using that line on a little kid though…

Raph says I hate you a lot, especially when he’s tired and frustrated after school, and I realised it was affecting how I felt about him. It is really hard to keep telling yourself he doesn’t mean it, somehow it hurts. Finally I explained that he was making me unhappy…and he does it less. I don’t know if that is any help, but I really sympathise.

river2sea72: I can’t really remember saying that but I know I said other hurtful things like - “Getting old?” Blah.

Kerri: How many ribbons have you got already? hehee

Donna: You’re right. Sometimes I don’t like HIM very much either!! It seemed to have gone better today using a combination of everyone’s suggestions. Thank you!!

laurina: I’m going to give you a smack for your daddy.

snowy: Awww. That’s really not nice. I feel your pain too. BTW, I’m getting together with Rosie next week!!

Oh, almost enough to stitch together for a ball gown with a ten-foot train. And I’m just getting started.

[...] He can be incredibly adorable, funny, and sweet one minute then turn on you in a second. Then its all the behaviors I can’t stand - whining, crying, complaining, feet stomping, hitting, and the famous retort - “I DON’T LIKE YOU!” And I thought it was bad when other people’s kids misbehaved, now I’ve got one living with me. [...]