Cotton-Pickin’ Days

I like Bel, too. Have a look at her biography if you get a chance. She’s not had an easy time of it.

My favourite Times writer is India Knight, but she’s only around on Sundays.

I couldn’t agree more with that response. The modern ideal of the mother who sacrifices her entire self to her child(ren) is seriously flawed, and I don’t think it does those child(ren) any good either.

Hey there!

It’s true that no matter how well you raise them as teenagers they have to go through that “breaking away from parents thing.” It’s not pretty, but the good news it that if you don’t kill them, they do eventually get sane again and all of the time you invested does show through in their behavior once again.

However, on the same note different key, I decided from the day my son moved in that he should know that we were two people–he is he and I am I. That means that I chose not to give up everything about myself in subordination to his being. We even spoke sometimes of what he wanted to be when he grew up and what I wanted to be when he grew up.

Those were fun conversations.

smiles,
Liz

As a SOAS student, I stick to the Guardian, which happens to have its own unique format (unique in the UK) called the berliner. It recently redesigned itself and wanted something smaller, whilst avoiding the tabloid format and its sometimes shoddy associations, and decided on the berliner, which took a little getting used to, but was definitely a welcome move from those e-nor-mous newspapers we had to deal with not so long ago.
I cannot yet begin to imagine having children, I’m that unwilling to give up a single ounce of my freedom for the moment, so I can’t comment on the rest.

gracefruit: I was so excited when I saw India Knight in the first issue of the Sunday Times I bought. It totally made me think of you.

river2sea72: Aww. C’mon. You mean your life isn’t all about your child? ;P

Liz Strauss: You are too cool. You should write a parenting blog because I know I would learn lots from your evenhanded, down-to-earth approach.

Rosie: The berliner, eh? I like the colorful look of the Guardian but haven’t actually picked up an issue yet. I will do so ASAP just to see what kind of stuff you’re reading. Thus far The Evening Standard and Daily Mail were good entertainment but not too impressive.

I’m a Guardian girl myself. I love the Berliner format. I like the Times, too. I usually get the Financial Times on the weekend. It has a recap of the week, plus a great weekend section. I just haven’t gotten back in the habit of the Sunday papers. It takes me all week just to read the FT weekend section! During the week I hardly ever have a chance to read the papers, except for the Metro on the tube. Which is, literally and figuratively, trash.

I think most people accept that we need our “own lives” — I think the controversy is more on when to claim those back — right away or a after a few years of down time. I loved my down time but I’m thrilled to back into my own activities. Now if I could only find time for the gym…

I’m a Guardian reader too - different politics from the Times. The Observer has (IMO) the best columnists, too.

Jill: I kow what you mean about taking forever to finish reading one issue. I’m always a day or two behind on weekdays and several days behind on the Sunday Times.

And what is this thing you speak of - “gym”?

Lisa: Being a foreigner, I’m fairly ignorant of the political leanings of UK papers except that I know The Times is center of right and Guardian and Independent liberal left. Better study up on British politics soon or be shown up for my ignorance!

Mark Twain said:
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Yes, the teen years can make you feel that you’ve lost your child. But know that a child that is well-loved & well-accepted, and is provided with a secure, structured environment with clear, enforced boundaries, will eventually turn out alright as an adult. Maintain your self-respect, never lose sight of your better self and live up to it despite whatever challenge the teen throws at you. When he’s fully mature, that’s when he’ll find out who you really are & give you true respect.

The early years are important, to build that all-important bond that will be invaluable in weathering the strains of the teen years. Love is all-important, but so is discipline. It’s paramount that you are unwavering in the area of inculcating a sense of respect for authorities & boundaries, especially so at the tender ages. At a young age they accept what mom & dad say unquestionably. Make these fundamental premises, or values, ‘instinctive’ so that he will never have to question them when he’s older. It’s very difficult if you are lax now and have to rein in when the child is older & hormonally propelled to ‘question everything’.

Having said that, it’s also not wise to let our entire lives revolve around the child. We need to have a strong individual identity for the child to eventually be able to look up to us as he grows up into awareness.

Wise is the woman that knows the difference between mothering and smothering!

To add:
Regarding discipline & boundaries, be very clear about whether it’s something that’s morally wrong, or something that just doesn’t make us look good as parents, or something we want/don’t-want for the child that arises from our own insecurity/needs. Teens are the first ones to see-through phoniness & rebel against it!

YO: Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I must admit to feeling very nervous about the teen years esp. after reading Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys. Parenting is such a complicated job. It’s a wonder any of us turned out ok!

Re: the Guardian. It’s a very middle-class paper, often defined as “pale pink intellectual” - it’s a little further left than the Independant. It’s popular with students, particularly the boho middle-class liberals at universities such as my own. The Independant isn’t really “independant” enough for me. I’d never, ever buy the Daily Mail, and would only get the Times if they had a good book or CD included - but I’ll read anything I pick up in the Student Bar. Except the tabloids! they infuriate me. As does Metro.

Rosie: I bought a copy of The Guardian today but haven’t read much. I like the brighter print, though. The Daily Mail is total rubbish, I agree. But there’s a rubbernecking quality to reading tabloid and nonsense.

Gosh I am still in the selfish years, and without a partner, therefore the appearance of children on the scene is not imminent.

But sometimes I wonder if I’d be able to fit them in considering how busy I am with my own life and how much ‘recovery’ or ‘winding down’ time I need in the evenings and how many semi-solitary types of activities I enjoy.

I know this would all change if I had the opportunity. So for now, I value and enjoy my independence.

Congogirl: I valued and enjoyed my independence too and had quite a bit of it. Still, somedays it feels like I never got enough. Perhaps the saying: “Wherever you go, there you are” is fitting?