In Japan, where Stephen was born, it is not standard practice for fathers to attend the birth of their children. In fact, it is against many hospitals’ policies to allow husbands to be with their wives during labor and delivery. According to former Japanese midwife, Mika Koyama,

It is very unusual for a husband to be present at the birth of his child. Men work hard, long hours in Japan, and job security is extremely important. Husbands may also be embarrassed or afraid to ask their boss for time off to attend their child’s birth.

Luckily for us, my friend recommended a hospital that was traditional in many ways, but did permit Marv to be with me from beginning to end (even if he may have wished for a break!).

I don’t even want to imagine the psychological trauma I might have suffered if Marv hadn’t been my lifeline during those long hours of on-and-off pain. His support was all the more important because we were in a foreign country where no one else could take his place. Being together during that time was a unique experience neither of us would ever replace.

In Tuesday’s New York Times, Dr. Keith Ablow cautioned women to reconsider this practice.

In the age of the “new man,” very little consideration is given to the potentially negative side effects of togetherness in the delivery room. Every man I have spoken with over the past few years knows he is expected to be with his wife when his child comes into the world.

*****
“Honestly,” one man, married for 12 years, told me, “I think one of the main reasons I don’t feel attracted to my wife is that I saw her give birth three times. It’s like I know too much about that part of her.”

The mystery is gone. And while there are other contributing factors to the loss of passion in the man’s marriage, one of them does seem to be his presence in the delivery room, three times.

*****
Women may want to consider the risks as they invite their partners to watch them bring new life into the world. For some of the passion that binds them together may leave their lives at the very same time.

I don’t know how much the average couple sees, but neither Marv nor I saw much of what was going on. Intellectually, I know that giving birth should be about the amazing way nature bring life into the world, but even with my background in medicine and healthcare, I wasn’t interested in seeing everything in all its gory detail. And, I certainly didn’t expect Marv, international relations and businessman extraordinaire, to be eager to see or do anything, including cutting the umbilical cord (not that the Japanese doctor would have allowed it anyway).

I don’t doubt that some fathers (and even mothers!) are disgusted or traumatized by the birthing process, but I would hesitate to dump the blame for a failed relationship on the birth process. In our case, the emotional support we provided to each other (ok, maybe Marv gave more than he took) made “the passion that binds us together” even deeper and more meaningful. Asking women to shoulder yet one more responsibility for keeping the couple or the family together is beyond unfair and widens the gulf between us even further.


August 7, 2002

Pointer from Blogging Baby.