This week has been both enlightening and a little depressing. The comments following my post about bullying made me regret treating the subject too lightly. I have never observed nor experienced the cruelty some of you shared and I thank you for letting me know that I have much to learn.

I also finished reading The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan today. Although it was written more than 40 years ago, many of the issues Friedan raises about the status of women in our society are still valid. Women are still paid less than men, shoulder most of the responsibilities of childcare, and generally have less options in life. I spent most of the book feeling like I had become a typical 60’s American housewife and it was distressing.

Betty Friedan doesn’t think women should be full-time housewives trapped in the suburbs who do nothing but unnecessary housework to kill time. Women like me are a particular waste because we have help with the housework yet are wasting our time staying at home and not venturing out to compete in the real world.

Friedan thinks women shouldn’t breastfeed too much or for too long because it ties them to their children too tightly. In fact, childcare should be left to others whenever possible. Children kill ambition and interrupt important work especially if the family lives in an open-plan home.

Housework and childcare are generally beneath educated, intelligent women and are best left to others lower on the social ladder. Friedan thinks that no woman could possibly be happy staying at home without a clear professional goal–work that brings money and/or status.*

Of course, Friedan’s main goal in writing this book was to highlight the mistreatment of women. She wanted to spur women into action especially those who seemed aimless, depressed, and living vicariously through their husbands and children. Women have the right and the desire to have independent thoughts and dreams.

Friedan, however, believes that children are far better off when their mother is out of the home satisfying her own needs. And while I think a happy mother definitely makes a happier home, it bothers me that she thinks of children as a burden more than a joy. Even worse, Friedan states again and again in the book that stay-at-home mothers suffocate their children emotionally and steal their self-will and initiative.

I also think denigrating housework and childcare is wrong. People for whom housework is their job aren’t necessarily any less intelligent than the rest of us. They may not have had the same opportunities as other luckier, wealthier, or more educated people. And, people to whom we entrust the care of our children while we’re out working deserve our respect too. If we think housework and childcare are beneath us, what value do we place on the people who perform these tasks?

Some passages that caught my attention.

Friedan writes about the open-plan home,

There are no true walls or doors; the woman in the beautiful electronic kitchen is never separated from her children. She need never feel alone for a minute, need never be by herself. She can forget her own identity in those noisy open-plan houses. The open plan also helps expand the housework to fill the time available. In what is basically one free-flowing room, instead of many rooms separated by walls and stairs, continual messes continually need picking up.

This is exactly the kind of home I like. We specifically chose our current apartment and the flat we recently bought in Singapore because there is an open kitchen without a door. The kitchen also has a window and counter top open to the dining area and living room, which are adjoined. We put our computer in the living room so that we can all be together
whenever we’re awake. All of Stephen’s toys are also in the living room. It’s not only more communal, it’s safer for the kids too because we can keep an eye on them. I often joke that we’d be happy in a large studio apartment because we spend most of our waking hours together in the living room.

About staying home,

The picture of the happy housewife doing creative work at home–painting, sculpting, writing–is one of the semi-delusions of the feminine mystique. There are men and women who can do it; but when a man works at home, his wife keeps the children strictly out of the way, or else. It is not so easy for a woman; if she is serious about her work she often must find some place away from home to do it, or risk becoming an ogre to her children in her impatient demands for privacy. Her attention is divided and her concentration interrupted, on the job and as a mother. A no-nonsense nine-to-five job, with a clear division between professional work and housework, requires much less discipline and is usually less lonely. Some of the stimulation and the new friendships that come from being part of the professional world can be lost by the woman who tries to fit her career into the physical confines of her housewife life.

This may be partially true. I have been resentful when Stephen doesn’t allow me to finish reading or writing. I struggle daily between giving enough time to him and having enough time left for myself, which is why I am writing this at 11 p.m. while Marv and Stephen are both sleeping.

On the other hand, I don’t look down on women’s creative work and attempts at self-enrichment. Even if blogging, learning a new language, or independent study don’t lead to a paying job, I think they’re still worthwhile activities and I feel fulfilled. Perhaps with the power of the Internet, I am able to have intelligent exchanges with people every day and am able to escape the feeling of isolation.

The passage that most inspired me,

Growth has not only rewards and pleasures, but also many intrinsic pains and always will have. Each step forward is a step into the unfamiliar and is thought of as possibly dangerous. It also frequently means giving up something familiar and good and satisfying. It frequently means a parting and a separation with consequent nostalgia, loneliness, and mourning. It also often means giving up a simpler and easier and less effortful life in exchange for a more demanding, more difficult life. Growth forward is in spite of these losses and therefore requires courage, strength in the individual, as well as protection, permission, and encouragement from the environment, especially for the child.

I hope she’s right. I don’t regret having stopped out of the workforce for so many years because I think that I’ve been in a special situation. However, I am now reconsidering (again) staying at home full-time. When Stephen starts pre-school in a few months, I may look around for some stimulating part-time work. Wish me luck.

*If Dr. Tiff, a women’s history scholar, is reading this, please correct me if I’m wrong in my understanding of the book.

**Friedan’s message may change in The Second Stage, the follow-up to The Feminine Mystique. I will be reading it next.